If It Was Me
by some1lostme
Summary: Tony and Ziva have a much needed conversation. Can't say much more. Spoilers for season finale.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** If It Was Me

**Rating: T**

**Disclaimer: **If I owned NCIS, Ziva would have been the one to shoot Rivkin, not Tony.

**Spoilers: **Semper Fidelis, and the season finale preview

If It Was Me

He was lying there looking up at her and she pushed the muzzle of the gun harder into his shoulder. She could see the pain and confusion in his eyes but she was surprised that there was no fear there.

"Are you not afraid to die, Tony?" she asked coldly.

He simply stared at her. She pushed the gun more forcefully into his arm and he winced as she hit the already damaged muscles.

"Answer me!"

He looked at her for a long moment.

"If you were going to shoot me, you would have done it by now," he said through clenched teeth.

She flinched at his words. He was right. She should have killed him the moment the door to the roof closed behind her. But she could not. She did not want to kill Tony.

"I cannot do this, Tony," she said quietly, pushing herself to her feet.

Tony didn't move from where he lay on the ground. Ziva walked over to the low wall, her back to him, and looked out over Tel Aviv.

"My father believes that I should avenge Michael's death," Ziva told him.

"Maybe you should," Tony replied, "Maybe it will make you feel better."

"Why are you so eager to die, Tony?" Ziva asked sharply. She turned to look at him.

"I'm not eager to die," Tony explained, "Like I told you before, I'm tired of pretending. I don't want to do this anymore, Ziva."

Tony sat up and tried to use his one good arm to push himself to his feet but it didn't work. Every time he moved too quickly his head would start swimming. Ziva watched for a moment and debated with herself whether or not should help him, before she stepped forward and held her hand out to him. Tony took it without hesitation, allowing her to help him get on his feet.

He looked down at their still linked hands and when she realized what he was looking at, she pulled her hand away as though she'd been burned.

Tony scowled, "Look, I just have one thing to say to you and then you'll never have to listen to my bullshit again. Let me get this off of my chest before you finally gather the courage to actually shoot me."

Ziva took a step back, shocked by the venom in his voice, "Tony –"

"No, I'm only going to say this once so just let me talk. I need to say this because I don't want to spend the rest of my life regretting that I never told you."

She looked at him expectantly.

"We've spent the last four years dancing around whatever the hell it is that's going on between us and most of that's my fault. But it hit me recently, when Vance split us up after Jenny --. It dawned on me that I-I –"

He faltered and Ziva felt her heart rate accelerate. She willed it to stop, willed herself not to be so weak, but she wanted to hear Tony say the words.

"Jesus, Ziva, how did I let this happen again? After everything that happened with Jeanne you'd think that I wouldn't be so stupid the second time around," Tony was rambling, "And Gibbs! Gibbs has always had a rule for this, never date a co-worker, but the rule doesn't say anything about falling in love with your partner."

She was not surprised by his words and under different circumstances, she would have been elated. But so much had changed in the last few months. The most important of those changes had come just a few days ago when he'd shot and killed Michael. He heart ached at the thought of him but as she looked up into Tony's eyes, she was lost.

He was admitting to what she had been hoping for months, what she had hinted at time and time again, but she had already given up. She had already moved on. Leave it to Tony to wait until it was too late to tell her that he loved her.

"Why are you telling me this now?" she asked, her voice hoarse with emotion.

Tony shrugged, "I had to. I couldn't go back to D.C. regretting the fact that I never told you how I felt. Look, I don't expect you to understand anything that I've done, or to forgive me, Ziva, but I had to tell you."

"You killed him, Tony."

Tony looked at her then and he was taken aback by the silent tears making their way down her cheeks. He stepped towards her, reaching his hand out to her face, and she turned away.

He let his hand drop to his side.

"I'm sorry, Ziva," he said quietly, "I'm sorry that his death is painful for you. But I'm not sorry that I shot him. He came at me, he attacked me, and I defended myself. Would you feel differently if you had walked in to find me dead on the floor and Michael with a gun in his hand?"

Ziva's head shot up at his words but Tony's face was void of emotion. He turned then, not speaking another word to her, and walked away.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: **If It Was Me

**Rating: **T

**Disclaimer: **I still don't own them. Things would be so much different if I did.

**Author's Note: **This chapter wasn't really something I had planned, it just sort of happened. This story isn't exactly happy and I really hope this isn't how the season ends, but you never know.

Tony sat beside Gibbs, his head back and his eyes closed. Their flight was set to leave Tel Aviv any minute now and he couldn't wait to done with Israel. His entire body ached with fatigue and he only had one of his painkillers left. If he was able to time it just right, he could make the medication last for most of the flight.

Gibbs watched Tony skeptically as they prepared for take off. He hadn't said much in the last twenty-four hours and Gibbs was well aware that a quiet Tony was not normal. He wouldn't pry, wouldn't ask Tony outright what was bothering him, that just wasn't in his nature. But it didn't take a genius to figure out that Tony's foul mood had been caused by a certain Israeli.

Before they'd boarded the plain, Gibbs had said his goodbyes to Ziva. She'd had tears in her eyes when he'd hugged her and a part of him had wondered if those tears had been for him or for Tony. He'd said goodbye (and good riddance) to Director David but Tony hadn't said goodbye to anyone. He bypassed the group and them and boarded the plane without a glance in their direction.

Ziva had stood silently at Gibbs' side as her father said goodbye to Director Vance. The two men stood a few feet from them, speaking in hushed voices, and Ziva took the opportunity to turn and talk to Gibbs.

"He will never speak to me again," she said quietly.

Gibbs shrugged, "Don't know."

"I do," Ziva said, "I tried to kill him Gibbs. I put a gun to his chest and I was ready to pull the trigger and he would have let me. He would not fight back. I did not want to believe that Michael attacked Tony. And now Tony will never forgive me."

He had figured that they had had a confrontation and that Tony had finally manned up and been honest with Ziva, it had been a long time coming. But Ziva was a vengeful person and she couldn't help it, she'd been bred that way. Tony on the other had, was probably filled with guilt. Knowing him, he was beating himself up for killing Rivkin even though the bastard had deserved it.

"The question isn't whether or not he will forgive you, Ziva," Gibbs told her, "It's whether you'll forgive him… and yourself."

Ziva hesitated, "I do not know if I can forgive him. I do not know how to feel."

"That's part of the problem Ziva," Gibbs told her, "You aren't supposed to know how to feel, you just do."

Ziva didn't respond as she turned to look out at the dusty airport runway.

"Do you think that you'll ever come back to D.C.?" Gibbs asked.

Ziva turned back to him, a sad smile on her face, "Possibly. If my father deems it necessary, I may return."

Gibbs nodded.

That had been the end of their conversation and now Gibbs had to fly back to Washington DC with Tony pouting in the seat beside him. He couldn't blame him. Rivkin had dislocated his shoulder and broken two of his ribs and Gibbs knew that he would be in a lot of pain after over 20 hours in flight. Not only that, but Gibbs was fairly certain that Tony would be nursing a broken heart and bruised ego as well.

"Boss?" Tony asked quietly after nearly four hours of silence.

He glanced over at Gibbs, trying to decide if he was asleep.

"Yeah, DiNozzo?"

"Was I wrong?"

Gibbs opened one eye to look at him, "About what, Tony?"

"Should I have let Rivkin kill me?"

Gibbs sat up a little straighter in his chair. He had known that this conversation would happen eventually, that Tony would need someone to reassure him that he'd done the right thing. Ziva had obviously caused him to doubt his actions.

"Are you that stupid, DiNozzo? I'm not going to tell you that you would have been right to lay there and let that bastard stab you," Gibbs snapped, "You've got to let this go."

"If I hadn't gone over to her apartment to check on her, maybe Rivkin would have left, maybe he would have stuck around a couple of days and then hopped a flight to Tel Aviv and we never would have known. Ziva would never have had a gun pointed at me. She wouldn't have left," Tony rambled, ignoring Gibbs words.

Gibbs slapped him on the back of the head and Tony just looked at him.

"Snap out of it, DiNozzo," he ordered, "I know that you and Ziva have had something going on these last couple of years, but she's gone and there isn't a damn thing you could've done to stop it. Do you think she would have been any happier if it had been you lying there on the floor when she'd come in?"

A sick smile flashed across Tony's face and he laughed bitterly, "You know, I asked her that yesterday and she never answered me. I think that maybe she was trying not to hurt my feelings."

Gibbs wanted to hit him again but he didn't. Instead, he tipped his head back and closed his eyes.

"There would be a lot of disappointed people in DC if I tossed your ass out of this plane, Tony," he said, "And I know for a fact those people would have been pretty upset if you had let Rivkin kill you. So stop wallowing in what you've lost and pay attention to what you still have. Trust me, it'll help."


End file.
